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Saturday, October 7th, 2006
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It's 4:30 and I can't sleep. I'm excited about the future. Gonna FIGHT!!! I want a tally for every confirmed kill I get. Blowing shit up...literally. Demolitions and M-16s.
If only I could carry a bottle with my gun.
Who would have thought I would actually ever do this?
(doesn't everyone have a myspace these days?) I think im the last motherfucker on this planet without one sometimes.
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Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
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Imagine. If you WILL.
The light is dim, flickering, but bright enough for me to see the faces around me. I can't hear anything beyond the low hum of the speakers and the slight ringing in my ears. Everything else is non-existent. His hands move from side to side, rocking the idea of self-motivation that everyone else seems to have forgotten. They are lifeless, including myself. Hello? Can anybody hear me? Am I talking to myself? Perhaps, but I feel more comfortable being alone, i my own sorrows, for the first time this season. Where Do I stand? I see you there, alone, thinking, anticipating the end...wondering, why?
Where do you stand? What fringe do you tease, where is your final step. When you realize that all the world is nothing more than light and dark, it all becomes a question of where you stand. How far will you go? What shadows do you murk within?
Let go of your safety net, dive into the great unknown. Die young, Live forever.
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Well, well, well...here we are again. Take hands people. Grip them close. Boredom seems to lead to creativity, lucky for you.
I can't get the images out of my head. The blood red, the torn carpet, the littered ground. I can see the bruises from cradeling her neck oh so firm. The ringing of my ears, burning red from the intense cries that are already fading away. My right hand dripping life from a final twist that creates wounds that don't heal. Her icy stare...those cold, dead eyes. Wipe the blood from here lips, she looks almost normal.
More bad dreams. You know what's funny? I used to never remember them. Now they won't leave me alone. It's as if I'm haunted.
Bang, Bang, Bang...she missed. Throat-deep..."Take this, BITCH!" Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Click, Click, Click. Reload, aim again.
So vivid.
So Real.
Maybe that's the first step. Maybe the first is the ONLY hard one. Maybe I'm fucking nuts. Either way, the dreams continue and they seem so real. This is the end.
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Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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Lost my mind...not sure where it is at this point, but I'm working on it. Probably lost it in a lake of my own self-destruction. Rolled up in a blunt or at the bottom of a 40...time to slow down, let's take a breath. Please sit strait, eyes open, pen in hand. Re-evaluation: Die Young, live forever. Sound familiar?
Side note-Started smoking just blunts, true gangsta shit...I can roll the best fucking peach owl this side of the mississip'. This is the way we ball...
Ahhh...I am getting a dog on Friday. It is a mini beagle and will only get about a foot long(if that). I can't figure what to name him yet. I was thinking either
"Marquis 'Lil' West' Guin" or "Marquis 'Knuckles' Guin." So basically Knuckles or Lil' West...I'll figure it out. The Marquis part is a sure thing, I think. It is after The Marquis de Sade...don't know him? Find out, you'll love it. Anyway...this will give me something to love between my work schedule. He is gonna go everywhere with me, have a mohawk(all the way down his back), and be hardcore as fuck. Tougher than you motherfucker.
Im off like your head if you keep runnin' that mouth.
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Thursday, March 11th, 2004
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Why can't things work out in a way that doesn't kill me?? Sometimes I ffel like my extreme tastes sneak into my personality and the extremes are true of my mood. Ever seen "O brother Where art thou"? I feel like BabyFace(George) nelson, up one minute and down the other. Top of the world one minute, and then all the negatives in my life seem to pile up. Between the two of us, she definitely made it out better. All these other examples of them in the world just make her seem that much more special in my mind and in my memories. I feel so alone. My effort to quit smoking right now(which I am doing good at) is not helping my situation. I got my own place, got a nice ride, got a nice job and yet, something is still missing. Regardless of how 'bad' i try to play sometimes(i can admit it), the little things are cutting me up on the inside. Fuck this feeling. I'm not sure why I still let certain things bother me. I suppose every once in a while you have to reflect and those reflections can consume you. Somebody tighten this noose around my neck, im losing grip anyway.
If I get my hands on that faceless prick, ill beat his fucking head so hard into the concrete the mother fucker will never be able to run that mouth again. And you can take that to the mother fucking bank.
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Friday, February 13th, 2004
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Welcome everybody to my wickid world. I have great news for all you kiddies out there. Moved to D-12, where the pimps play...the grass is green(if you find some) and the girls are always pretty. Holding shit down with my homeboys Big Matt(Tittie), AJ in theat bitch, and phil-king of rolling them phillies. Meet Dillan, he is a cool motherfucker...he seems to always have them females around. Got shit on hold, need to make a few alterations, get my closet on lock.
Who likes to party, rock tha party?
Bout to be me...
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Sunday, February 1st, 2004
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Fuck. Nothing to do. Nobody to call. Sunday nights suck unless you wanna drive and just deal with shit.
I need to meet a good woman. I just don't have a reason to behave. Sometimes thats a good thing, sometimes it can be dangerous with boredom. Lately, all the ones that have been around have been taken or poison. Things are getting right in every other aspect of life, just nothing to really top it off. Patience. Of course, when your looking, everything seems to be a waste of time. Fuckin' A...
I think I am gonna go strait. Decided to hit pause in the game. Let the other suckers try and get theirs. Im gonna sit back and enjoy the ride.
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Sunday, January 25th, 2004
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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It keeps happening. Over and over and over and over and over....the same trivial non-sense is pumped into me. I am a THE consumer. Everything is marketed toward me(this isn't coming out right). I feel alone. The same ruthless routine, 4 walls, only thoughts. My own. I have lost sight of myself...i have disappointed myself. I let myself get trapped into a structure that I traditionally flee from. My world feel apart several months ago, in several ways. What I knew as reality ceased and this new kind of virus(a struggle) began. A fight for a different cause, a fight for my own survival. ---
Now that I am purged, it is time for re-building. But this time is a bare one. The air is empty and alone. And I am here. Waiting. For a Signal.
I am starting to see downhill. A "friend" let me get fucked up and talk, and talk, and talk...listened to things that I never revealed to people, and things I thought but keep bottled up. She let me sift through the mess inside my head that i didn't even really want to recognize. I secretly knew that something was wrong and I was almost afraid to try to fix them. I feel a whole lot better now. I see clearly(the rain is gone[ha-ha!]) and I was able to laugh for real again. To really be happy again. Haven't felt like that in a while. Thanks.
(p.s. why do I feel like a pussy?)
Look Down
(p.s.s. If you said, "Because you are"...I'll fight you...AND win.)
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Monday, December 22nd, 2003
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I am officially 19 years old today. I feel very indifferent. Still gonna get my drink on, my smoke on...
Now I'm cool shit...(what you know about kicked off to the right?)
Riding deep now...forever pimpin', never slippin', that's how it is...no more vice grips or cold ass drafts to the face, finnaly a little thump with my roll...
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Monday, November 10th, 2003
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well, i was typing my entry and it got deleted somehow...
Sum Up---Saved girl from drowning in a BIG ass hole on moreland due to that water main break, getting new car soon(just got to save for another month or 2), and still lonely.
Lost my girl, haven't been able to look at another one without feeling guilt/remorse. My mind won't forget and she has no idea. No matter what I do it is the same story. Maybe I shouldn't have tortured myself with all the photos on my wall. I hate being lonely. I need warmth, human touch. And she still has no idea.
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Friday, September 26th, 2003
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It is 1:15 AM. My vision is hazy and my median to eradicate the pain is diminished. So many tails in the room, a quick beat to move feet, and here I am...home early. I had not experienced flashing lights and laughing faces like that in a while. Felt good to communicate with the world and see folks that had been lost in the sands of time. I kept looking around at the soft faces that represented the natural urge to sustain mankind, but in that I found the guilt that continues to linger. My head is running down my spine, slowly sinking into the ground that can be trampled upon by the rushing feet of the the world. What is wrong with me?? This is a new feeling. Yes...I actually let feeling affect my general prospective of the world. I just don't understand how something so beautiful and pure can be corrupted simply by geographic borders. The thread that binds this life together is slowly twisting itself under this weight, waiting for the inevitable snap that will shatter the ground with a crash. Why does happiness always have to slip from my grip. Why don't I ever get the winning hand that will set myself free and fill this burning depth within me? This feeling of powerlessness is binding me...and all the time she holds the key within her chest. I just want to feel your warmth next to me...I want our hearts to be beat in unison. I want your hand gripping mine.
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Friday, August 22nd, 2003
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This ride home was a realization. The uncomfortable silence set in quickly and anxiety took course. My mind began to wander and images of your grace flashed within my head in memory of your sideways glances, a quick kiss at a red light, and embraces that made me weak. I already miss your smiles and soft voice telling me to calm down. I miss your eyes looking into mine and the world melting away. My chest began to tighten and my heartbeat quickened. I felt desperation to turn around and rush back in hopes of some way to change the unchangeable and make the world right again. I can already hear your voice from the other end assuring me that your doing great when I know that all you want is somebody to hold you, and all I want is to be that somebody. I want to be there every time you need me. You made me a better person, too. You will always be a part of who I am. I never want to say goodbye.
(I heart you)
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Sometimes it can be so confusing. It always keeps you guessing. I suppose this situation calls for a delicate touch but I am treading lightly anyway. Look at me...i can't believe I have fallen like this, especially with the years on the line. In the end, it doesn't matter though. It's as if our souls are dancing in the dark when I look into those eyes.
Thank you Mr. Hamilton. You have provided a median. |\/|
Embrace the war machine. Let the chaos carry you, let the violence be your guide. On this brave new frontier we will forget that boundaries exist or that they were even ever created. Here we will stomp across the terrain without hesitation or threat. Fear us now, for we will not blink in the face of danger. We will march in time.
The world smiled with me today. I felt a complete happiness for not only a brief moment but for much longer. These are the times that make life worth living. This is my treasure. All the gold in the world...
Inspiration Hour:
Go! Be Bold. Don't let the darkness of ignorance hold your life. Find truth and beauty. Find yourself. Find your inner-strength. Be free, Keep striving. The world has yet to feel your light. Shine through the devastation. Your mind is a sculpture. Shape it as you see fit.
Never surrender-
Never be content-
See insane:
See enlightenment
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
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Well, the clouds opened up to me and the shining light gave me faith. Faith that crazy and beautiful don't always intertwine. Thank the "heavens". I think it is her eyes. The way they light up when she smiles. I'm not sure what to think about some things, especially the shortness in the clock but I suppose the only wise thing to do is to not worry about it now. I'll worry when the time comes. So nice.
I suppose it's a great deal better than being cursed and told to "suck my clit". Why is it the mad seem to trail so close behind. To bad this is a world based on laws and boundaries. I would love to run hatchet. Well, in the end, I suppose you can. Consequences are of no concern to the determined.
Excuse me, I believe the knife in my back belongs to you.
"I wish that I could sleep
But I can't lay on my back
Because there is a knife
For everyday that I've known you"
And a side-glance into my reality:
I saw two men walking. Both smiling, both talking. The rain was falling in thick sheets. One man had an umbrella. One didn't. The man who didn't showed me more. As he laughed and talked with the other man, you could see the content growing beneath his smile. Even as two men walk stride for stride, both seemingly happy, one could only think of the hate he hides within his mind. Equality is a dream.
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Walks through the darkness lead to light...Sometimes you have to take a breath and a step away to see a little more to life. Fragile ground breeds good times.
You stood yours and I stood mine. Its not the way people see you. Its not the way they stare, judge, or pretend. Its not the surface. You just aren't that girl. Its who you really are. Its your confidence and your walk. Its your stare, your stance. Its all that I see and love and its all that I care about. Thats why I noticed.
(I must be on drugs to be so brutal) <------What?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
6 generations....thats America in a bottle....
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Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
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Well...leave the boys at home and trouble starts a brewing. Leave rounds around and things get crazy. Equipped with 2 shotgun blasts and a box of 22's...death comes a creping upon a dying regime. Go Green light, we have a green light.
Smoke like a fire...Had the last 2 days with no work. Got fired...my dad leaves the job and the boss fires me for spite. Sucks for me...got new job set up for monday...didnt miss a step.
Start at 8 and out like a light by 10:30 drowning in my own drunkenness. Shot after shot of old Jimmy. 1 bottle down between El and I. He survived...im done.
When will they just color me blood red? I hear things and things keep creeping. It's so natural...sometimes they got ya and you have to make your final stand. That's why they call
ya......
..........well, till the day I die.
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Here we are again...drifting...As the world turns...Images, Images, Images...Pull that fucking trigger
When you hear it, it all seems so clear...You are coming through in waves, hehehehe, so true. When you see and hear and feel and understand something so clearly you begin to understand exactly what you can do. Rehash it over and over. Never lose the sight. Maybe you can understand me, but are you close enough to the skyline?
That walk. So much confidence forced out with a choking smile. So much package work. To much wrapping. Can't you see you are just wrapped up a little too tight?? You love when they talk dirty, but you make sure they don't stray. Keep that tight grip on the knife, let the blood pool.
Just smile...let the world fall...
Blood for Oil
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Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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Im note sure what to think. He raises good points, he always means well by me...but what do I think and how do I feel?? Im note sure yet. I think it is her eyes. They speak so loudly but so do her actions. It was a quick jump back in the pool. Now im just treading water until an answer is thrown inside of me. For the moment...we are on hold.
I know now what it is I want. I want that smell, that touch, that look, that clutch, that yearning, that love. I want to know they will be there, beside me, holding my hand when we jump off that ledge into the great oblivion of the unknown. Or maybe im fooling myself into a quick solution or an easy answer. Maybe i really don't know what I want yet but maybe i just need help finding it. Fuck...
Ladies and gentleman, we are mobil again.
"Listen to what I'm saying man. If my friend gets in trouble or gets hurt in any way, it is going to be bad. And I don't mean just for him. You see what I'm saying to you man??"
"If you look deep, maybe you can see past all the bullshit and see what it is you are really looking for."
...And on the above quote..."You can't see the forest, for the trees"
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lovefadesslowly's journal
crazy.
thoughtful.
accomplished.
drained.
discontent.
loved.
amused.